He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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