I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
