Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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