i just wanna soil my oats bro
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
