just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
