Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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