I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
