just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Randomize
