i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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