She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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