you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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