I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
