I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
