wrigley field is MILF paradise
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Randomize
