I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
