i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
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