She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
