we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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