that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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