i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
It was like getting head from an anaconda
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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