i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
