'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
