its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
