Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
My life is pants optional.
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