Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Randomize
