I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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