If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
He shit in the fireplace
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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