i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
