You're my little dorito
someone threw a dead crab at me
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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