dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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