guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
