This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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