Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
