New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Boobs are out for the taking
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
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