I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I'm eating all of the evidence.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
