I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Randomize
