this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
