I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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