my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
