I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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