The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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