so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
try to milk me bitch
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