I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
