when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Randomize
