so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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