Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
