I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I puked a lego.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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