is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
