I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
