I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
