meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
