I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
P.S. I can't hear my feet
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
